How to Fail in Business Without Really Trying

Business: A Loser’s Manual

In a tough economy, there are any number of ways that you can ruin your reputation and sink your company. But why settle for only one? If you’re ready to fast-track your path to obsolescence, here’s a step-by-step guide to ensuring that your business goes down in a truly spectacular blaze of glory.

1. Ignore your customers.

Customers? Who needs ‘em! They’re loud, they’re demanding and they’re constantly contradicting themselves.

Rather than molding your business and its offerings to suit them, charge forth with your plans and your strategies like a bull in a china shop. After all, it’s your company, and nobody knows better than you what your customers should want, need and be forced to accept.

Besides, customers are a dime a dozen. If the current crop doesn’t appreciate you like they should, just tell them to take a hike. Won’t they be sorry when they realize what they’re missing?

2. Resist change at all costs.

Let’s face it: change sucks.

It’s uncomfortable, difficult and just downright annoying. It’s like someone dragging you out of your favorite recliner and forcing you to go for a run. I mean, sure, running would improve your health, but why bother, when you were perfectly content to stay glued to your chair. Stagnation is bliss, right?

It’s the same in business. No one likes branching out from what has been proven to work to try new ideas. Innovation requires risk. There’s safety in the status quo.

What’s that famous line about “If you don’t like change, you’re going to like irrelevance a lot less”? Bah. That guy was only Chief of Staff of the United States Army. What does he know about change or the risks that come with it?

3. Chase shiny objects.

Ooh ooh – have you heard? There’s a great new social media network that just launched that’s kinda like Facebook plus Pinterest with a little bit of MySpace thrown in the mix, but it’s only for people who are left-handed. You have to sign up RIGHT NOW! If you don’t everyone else will be there, and your competitors will steal all your customers.

And did you hear about that new app that will do that one specific thing that you never thought you needed until you found out about it? It’s like an answer to a question that doesn’t even need to be asked! It’s amazing!

No need to worry about running your company. It’s practically on auto-pilot. Playing with gadgets and dabbling in social media are way more fun!

4. Refuse to innovate.

You could pursue a new vision or chart a course to lead your company to something bigger and better, but why bother? Surely everything that’s always worked in the past will continue to work in the future. That’s why Circuit City is still going strong after all these years, right? Guys?

5. Don’t listen. To anyone. Ever.

The whole reason to start your own company is so that no one can tell you what to do.

Warning signs? Ignore them! Words of wisdom from more experienced colleagues and peers? They’re not the boss of you!

Just do your thing. Run your company however you want, and don’t pay attention to the handwriting on the wall or the advice of those who’ve been there before. They’re just trying to bum you out and bring you down with their “knowledge” and “insight.”

Back to reality.

On a more serious note, this is clearly a satirical look at why some companies go under while others sail through adversity relatively unscathed.

And while these scenarios are humorous when painted in such extremes, in reality, the underlying tendencies and traits they represent are all too human. At times, we can all be susceptible to such faulty ways of thinking. We all have our moments of arrogance or capriciousness or stubbornness or fear of change. They key is to recognize these dangerous impulses so we can actively combat them and maintain a steady course toward growth and greater success.

Remember: no one is immune, so be alert. Keep an close watch on your own thought processes and focus on creating a culture within your company that fosters self-analysis, creativity and courage.

Attention! 7 Emails That Break Through to Customers

It’s the most daunting challenge facing any email marketer: how do you make sure your message gets noticed among the flood of emails your customers are inundated with every day?

The answer is certainly not to bombard them with a daily barrage of communication in hopes that the odds of probability will work in your favor.

Instead, you must get strategic. When you send an email to your customers, make it count. Be creative. Be thoughtful. Be inventive. Be different.

Here are seven types of emails that are guaranteed to make your customers take notice:

The Name-Dropper

Hitch your wagon to the brightest star around. Namely, if you’ve got a hot brand or a hot commodity sitting on your shelves, make sure your customers know it’s there.

Everyone knows that J.Crew sells polo shirts, suits and khaki pants. What probably doesn’t spring to mind when you hear the name J. Crew is accessories for high-tech gadgets.

However this email promoting their exclusive line of the ultra-trendy DODO brand cases will certainly catch the eye of their iPad-toting customers.

The Deep Cuts

What products or services do you offer that many of your customers might not be aware of?

In the case of Bed, Bath & Beyond, the “Beyond” apparently includes bed and bath accessories for pets. Who knew?

Showcasing your lesser-known but highly desirable lines is a great way to get your customers to look at your brand again with fresh eyes.

The Ultra-Utilitarian

Even in today’s age of information overload, a really good tip or a truly valuable piece of wisdom is still a rarity that won’t go unnoticed or unappreciated.

Make over your bathroom for under $100? What budget-conscious homeowner wouldn’t find those suggestion ultra-useful?

Think about the ideas and insights that you – as an expert in your field – have that your customers would value. Choose one and shape it into a concise, powerful email. Hit send.

The Attainable Fantasy

Emails like these look like a page torn from a magazine. Rather than just offering a laundry list of new products, they present an enticing example of how all of those products can be used together in the real world, whether it’s to create a fresh new outfit to wear to the office or a perfectly coordinated summer party worthy of Martha Stewart herself.

The Heartstring-Tugger

Another email about clothes? Ho hum.

An email about adopting homeless animals? Now that’s how you get attention.

Find a cause that’s near and dear to the hearts of those that belong to your tribe. Form a partnership and create events together that drive customers into your store, whether you collect used books for a literacy program, let customers donate their used jeans in exchange for a discount or give a percentage of your sales for the day to a local food bank.

The Exclusive Invitation

No one wants to feel like they’re missing out on something special. Offer a one-time discount, a special boutique or a private event exclusive to your email list, and they won’t be able to resist at least taking a peek to see what it’s all about.

The Personal Touch

Marketing emails tend to be inherently impersonal by nature. No one’s kidding themselves that your message isn’t being broadcast to hundreds or thousands of other addresses.

But if you can find the opportunity to develop a more personalized email – whether in the form of tailored product recommendations, a customer service outreach or even a birthday greeting – by all means, do it. It may require a bit more engineering to execute, but the impact is well worth the investment.