Bad Romance: 10 Phrases Never to Say to Your Customers

Your brand’s image isn’t defined by your logo. Your message isn’t controlled by your latest carefully crafted ad campaign. Your reputation isn’t wrapped up in your website.

In today’s age of social media, each and every one of your customers holds a megaphone, and he who holds the megaphone controls the message.

As a result, every single interaction your customers have with your brand shapes not only the way they perceive your company and its values but how they share and spread that perception to others in their circles.

So in this world where every word-of-mouth message has the potential to be amplified hundreds or even thousands of times over, what can you do to protect your brand’s good name?

Of course, when times are good and everyone’s happy, it’s not too hard to provide a positive experience. But what about when things go wrong? What do you do when you’ve got a disappointed, frustrated, irate or even irrational customer on your hands? That’s when your problem-solving savvy is really put to the test.

In situations like these, it’s critical to ensure that every employee at every level of your company is thoroughly trained in tactics for transforming a conflict or complaint into a positive experience.

Here are 10 phrases you must absolutely, positively never ever say to a customer when your brand’s reputation is on the line:

That's our policy...

You care about your policies, but you know who doesn’t? Your customers. All they care about is getting their problem fixed.

Using policy as the justification for why you can't achieve this goal will fall flat every time. Of course you can’t let your customer walk all over you and it is sometimes necessary to draw a line, but you have little to risk by finding ways to work within those policies to offer an innovative solution.

There's nothing I can do...

This statement will make any customer’s blood boil. When you say “There’s nothing I can do,” what they hear is “You and your business don’t matter to us.” You might as well throw in the towel and walk away.

There's always something that can be done, even if it requires a little creativity and compromise. Make sure to give your employees leeway to improvise when necessary. A minor concession costs nothing compared to the impact of an angry customer blasting you on Twitter.

What you need to do is...

When customers call, they’re looking to you to fix their problem, not to be told how to fix it themselves.

Of course, there are some situations where it’s appropriate and even necessary to walk a customer through the steps required to solve a problem. Just be sure to choose your words carefully. The difference between saying “What you need to do” and “Let’s try this” is conveying the sense that you’re on their side and that you’re committed to working together hand-in-hand until their issue has been resolved.

I'm new at this...

Again, nobody cares. You might as well tell a customer that they should hang up, call back and hope to have better luck in reaching someone more competent.

Rather than exposing your weakness, simply bring in someone with more expertise and experience to help navigate this sticky situation. Your customer will appreciate the hands-on team approach, and you’ll benefit from learning from a pro.

No...

Ouch! Never, ever drop the "no" bomb. If you don’t make a concerted effort to solve the problem at hand, you can kiss that customer – and every other existing or prospective customer who will listen to their tale of woe – goodbye.

I don't believe...

I'm not sure...

We don't...

Take your pick, but these are all thinly veiled ways of saying “no,” which we’ve already established is the not the right answer. Save your breath and spend your time and energy looking for ways to be helpful and find viable alternatives.

There’s no one else here you can talk to...

Unless you are literally a one-man operation, customers know you're lying when they hear this statement. There's always someone higher up that can step in.

Telling someone there's nobody else they can talk to is tantamount to saying, "You’re not worth our time." This isn’t going to diffuse their anger and will likely send them packing, irate enough to leave horrible reviews all over the Web.

I don't know how to help you with that...

This phrase is problematic even when the best of intentions are meant by the employee offering support.

Sometimes a customer will ask tough questions. Instead of saying you don't know what to do, take a proactive role in connecting them with the correct resource within the company who can handle their problem.

That's not my job...

Wrong. No matter who you are or what your job title is, keeping your customers happy is your number one responsibility. Just do it.

I hate my job...

This company sucks...

These types of statements tend to surface when both the customer and the employee are in a state of emotional upset. It’s the equivalent of telling a customer that they're not going to find any help here.

Bad-mouthing the company is never the right answer, no matter what the situation. It can do immeasurable damage, and in reality, even the angriest customer doesn’t really want commiseration.

They don't care about your opinion. They’ve taken the time to give you a chance to make it right, and they want a solution.

If you find yourself reaching a breaking point where you feel the need to make statements like this, take a step back and clear your head. You may not feel that you’re getting the support you need from your company, but customers don't need to hear this. If necessary, ask if you can put them on hold momentarily while you "search for the solution." Then take some deep breaths, get help and do whatever you need to do to rejoin the conversation with a positive attitude.

{Nothing...}

Silence is the absolute worst thing a customer can hear from you.

If it’s necessary to put a caller on hold, don't keep them waiting long. Even better, get their information and tell them you’ll call them back (and then make sure you do – promptly!).

If they’re asking tough questions or getting frustrated, responding with silence will only add fuel to their fire. But that doesn’t mean you must have the right answer on the tip of your tongue, either.

Starting with genuine empathy is a great way to diffuse the situation. Even a simple, "Yes, sir, I can see why you are upset. Let me see what I can do to help you out," will buy you some time to organize your thoughts and collect your composure so that you can confidently work toward a mutually agreeable solution.

What’s Your $5 Comedy Special?

In recent months, three popular comedians have taken an innovative approach to releasing new material.

Thumbing their noses at traditional media distribution labels and cable networks, Louis C.K., Aziz Ansari and Jim Gaffigan opted instead to cut out every middleman possible by offering their latest comedy specials directly to the public. For $5. As digital content available exclusively on their own websites.

And how did they fare? To cite just one example, in the first 12 days after Louis C.K.’s “Live at the Beacon Theater” special was released, it grossed over $1 million. Even factoring in production costs, bonuses for his staff and charitable contributions, that still leaves a sizable chunk of change for C.K. himself.

This is certainly not the first time that someone – or a few someones – have eliminated the costs and barriers associated with the old school rules of media and marketing. Bands like Radiohead and Nine Inch Nails have released albums directly to their fans with no help from record labels.

However, this is the first time we’ve seen this trend cross over to other artistic endeavors, and it presents a compelling model for any company that’s interested reaching their customers more effectively.

Here’s what you can learn from the success of the $5 comedy special:

Direct communication

What business doesn’t want to hear directly from their customers?

Granted, you might not always like what they have to say. But in both good times and bad, the benefits of direct communication are immeasurable.

It’s a fact of doing business that your customers are going to talk about your products or services. When you open the lines of communication and give them ways to funnel that feedback directly to you, you can learn exactly what they want and what they need.

And the flow of this communication doesn’t run in one direction only. When you build a solid foundation of trust with your customers, you’ll earn their permission to command their attention when you have something important to share with them.

Ease of use

How easy is it to go to a website, pay $5, click a link and download a comedy routine?

When you remove the barriers to acquiring your product or services, you’ll instantly increase the number of people who are interested in obtaining those products or services.

Make it easy for your potential customers to find and access what they need, and they’ll reward you by buying what you’re selling.

Lower costs

The rise of social media has allowed artists like bands and comedians to forgo (or at least lessen their dependence on) traditional vehicles for advertising and promotion and the burdensome expenses that go with them.

By “marketing” directly to their fans, these digital media pioneers can offer their release at a lower price point while keeping the lion’s share of the revenue in their own pockets. It’s a win for both the artist and the fan.

In the same manner, when you can find creative ways to eliminate the traditional middlemen of marketing and distribution by promoting and selling your products directly to your customers, you can drop your prices while simultaneously improving your profit margins.

The power of evangelists

The fundamental element underlying the success of this no-middleman approach is having a tribe of people who love what you stand for and will help you spread your message.

Louis C.K., Aziz Ansari and Jim Gaffigan all have loyal fanbases that not only bought their comedy specials but boasted about doing so to all their Facebook friends and Twitter followers.

Before you can cut out the middleman, you must invest in cultivating a community around your brand. You need to build strong relationships with your customers and fans so that you have an army of enthusiasts who will not only buy from you but will be your advocates as well.

Doing this requires caring for your customers in ways that are more than pocketbook-deep. You must approach the task of fulfilling their needs with authenticity and passion and give them reasons to feel passionate about it, too.

Survival of the smartest

The takeaway here is this: to compete effectively in today’s marketplace, you must identify your tribe and give them what they want, in the way they want it and at the price they want to pay for it.

No matter what you’re selling, there’s a good chance you can streamline the methods by which you promote and distribute your products or services so that the process of acquiring them is faster, easier and more direct.

So the challenge we leave you with is this: What is your $5 comedy special?