How to Fail in Business Without Really Trying

Business: A Loser’s Manual

In a tough economy, there are any number of ways that you can ruin your reputation and sink your company. But why settle for only one? If you’re ready to fast-track your path to obsolescence, here’s a step-by-step guide to ensuring that your business goes down in a truly spectacular blaze of glory.

1. Ignore your customers.

Customers? Who needs ‘em! They’re loud, they’re demanding and they’re constantly contradicting themselves.

Rather than molding your business and its offerings to suit them, charge forth with your plans and your strategies like a bull in a china shop. After all, it’s your company, and nobody knows better than you what your customers should want, need and be forced to accept.

Besides, customers are a dime a dozen. If the current crop doesn’t appreciate you like they should, just tell them to take a hike. Won’t they be sorry when they realize what they’re missing?

2. Resist change at all costs.

Let’s face it: change sucks.

It’s uncomfortable, difficult and just downright annoying. It’s like someone dragging you out of your favorite recliner and forcing you to go for a run. I mean, sure, running would improve your health, but why bother, when you were perfectly content to stay glued to your chair. Stagnation is bliss, right?

It’s the same in business. No one likes branching out from what has been proven to work to try new ideas. Innovation requires risk. There’s safety in the status quo.

What’s that famous line about “If you don’t like change, you’re going to like irrelevance a lot less”? Bah. That guy was only Chief of Staff of the United States Army. What does he know about change or the risks that come with it?

3. Chase shiny objects.

Ooh ooh – have you heard? There’s a great new social media network that just launched that’s kinda like Facebook plus Pinterest with a little bit of MySpace thrown in the mix, but it’s only for people who are left-handed. You have to sign up RIGHT NOW! If you don’t everyone else will be there, and your competitors will steal all your customers.

And did you hear about that new app that will do that one specific thing that you never thought you needed until you found out about it? It’s like an answer to a question that doesn’t even need to be asked! It’s amazing!

No need to worry about running your company. It’s practically on auto-pilot. Playing with gadgets and dabbling in social media are way more fun!

4. Refuse to innovate.

You could pursue a new vision or chart a course to lead your company to something bigger and better, but why bother? Surely everything that’s always worked in the past will continue to work in the future. That’s why Circuit City is still going strong after all these years, right? Guys?

5. Don’t listen. To anyone. Ever.

The whole reason to start your own company is so that no one can tell you what to do.

Warning signs? Ignore them! Words of wisdom from more experienced colleagues and peers? They’re not the boss of you!

Just do your thing. Run your company however you want, and don’t pay attention to the handwriting on the wall or the advice of those who’ve been there before. They’re just trying to bum you out and bring you down with their “knowledge” and “insight.”

Back to reality.

On a more serious note, this is clearly a satirical look at why some companies go under while others sail through adversity relatively unscathed.

And while these scenarios are humorous when painted in such extremes, in reality, the underlying tendencies and traits they represent are all too human. At times, we can all be susceptible to such faulty ways of thinking. We all have our moments of arrogance or capriciousness or stubbornness or fear of change. They key is to recognize these dangerous impulses so we can actively combat them and maintain a steady course toward growth and greater success.

Remember: no one is immune, so be alert. Keep an close watch on your own thought processes and focus on creating a culture within your company that fosters self-analysis, creativity and courage.

The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing (and Keeping) the Hearts of Your Customers

1. Focus on first impressions.

Just like any first date, a prospect’s initial encounter with your brand is a make-it-or-break-it moment that will set the stage for your future relationship with them (or lack thereof).

Today, more likely than not, a potential customer’s first encounter with your brand will take place virtually, either via your website or your social media profiles, so it’s critical to examine the image you’re projecting through your online presence. Put yourself in your customers’ shoes, and ask key questions like, “Am I attractive?” , “Do I look current and trendy or passé and outdated?”, “What messages am I sending?” and “Do I leave them wanting to get to know me better?”

On the Web, as well as in life, making a good first impression relies heavily on the superficial, so aesthetics and visuals are important. Take a cue from clothing company Burberry, whose site presents a stylish, modern and sophisticated online persona that creates a strong appeal to its target audience.

2. Be yourself.

Although it’s vital to make a powerful positive first impression, the foundation of any long-term relationship is honesty and transparency. Make sure every representation of your brand – from your website to your social media profiles to your sales and marketing materials – clearly conveys your core values, and be straightforward about what your prospect can expect if they choose to work with you.

While you want to put your best foot forward, don’t let your quest for a polished presence turn into pretense. Ultimately, there’s no clever catchphrase or flashy gimmick that can keep a customer’s interest for the long-haul once they see through your guise.

Show your potential customers just what your company is made of, and if it’s truly a good match for their needs, they won't be able to resist your appeal.

3. Don't make promises you can’t keep.

The old adage "actions speak louder than words" is all too true when it comes to building a lasting long-term relationship with your customers.

A slick sales pitch might get you a first date, but if you fall short in delivering on the promises you make, you won’t likely get another chance to win them back. Worse yet, your disgruntled customer will tell all their friends about their bad experience, getting you blacklisted all around.

If you want your customers to commit to you, you must commit to them with integrity and consistency. Exceed their every expectation, deliver a positive experience with every encounter and provide added value at every turn, and they’ll happily stand by you.

4. Don’t be needy.

Healthy relationships are all about balance. You want your customers to know that you’re there for them when they need you, and you want to stay at the forefront of their awareness. But just because your world revolves around them, it doesn’t mean theirs revolves around you.

When customers give you access to their inbox or their social media feed, it’s paramount that you respect the sanctity of that permission and don’t betray their trust by inundating them with unwanted marketing messages. Keep the frequency of your communication within reason, and ensure that every time you send an email or create a social media post, you’re providing content that’s of value to your customer, whether that takes the form of a special offer, an interesting article or even an entertaining video. By doing so, you’ll ensure that you maintain a consistent level of engagement without becoming an overwhelming presence that alienates their affections.

5. Don’t be afraid to say, “It’s not you; it’s me.”

Take a page from George Costanza’s book on dating and know when it’s time to walk away.

No matter how much you want to hear cash register ring, trying to force a relationship to work when it’s clearly not the right fit is detrimental to all involved.

If your product or service isn’t what your customer really needs, they’re going to be unhappy, and they’re going to point the finger at you. They’ll either assume that your product is subpar or, far worse, that your company is dishonest in its claims. That sale will end up costing your company and your brand’s reputation dearly.

Don’t waste your time chasing after Mr. Wrong, no matter how attractive he (or his wallet) may be. Instead, stay focused on serving the niche of customers whose needs are perfectly aligned with your strengths, and you’ll find your happily ever after.